Lilith's Diary

[ZePrincess]

Just thought I'd write the diary of Miss Lilith Pleasant.
So here it is.

I sighed. Angela was getting all the attention, again. As usual. Why do those perverted losers drool over her horrifically short, small, tight pink dress? I looked at the five boys in the cafe flirting with Angie. Dustin Broke, Dirk Dreamer, Cameron Smith, Samuel Rock and Joey Appleton. Complete idiots. Angela finally came back to me.
“Lilith,” she called. “These guys are complete cuties, wanna meet them?” I sipped my coffee.
“Nah,” I told her. “I prefer decent boys,” I made sure they heard that. They didn’t look unhappy with it, either. I turned on my laptop and checked my emails. I received something from Lucy.

Hi Lilith

It’s been a while since we spoke. Haven’t seen you round. Are you OK? I haven’t even seen you in school. You quit it or something?

-Lucy

I sighed. All my friends had that reaction to my sudden ‘disappearance’. I pressed ‘reply’ and wrote this:

Lucy,

I haven’t quit school. That would be stupid. I’m not stupid. I’ve been moved up a class, because I’ve been working hard. And I’ve been hanging out with some people in my new class, too. I don’t know what would give you that notion, it’s untrue. Entirely.

-Lilith

I pressed ‘send’ and looked up. Sigh-worthy facepalm moment. Angela was flirting up Dustin, and he as enjoying it. I had to leave. I got up, and walked away. I do not want to put up with that.

[Majick]

Haha.  Cute!

[sim323]

Great story
isnt Lilith's skirt just as long  ??? haha

[-[gooey kablooey]-]

Lol, I love it :3
Keep updating! I wanna know what happens next!

[yoshman9000]

Great story! :3. You just need some revision. Don't worry, every writer never makes a perfect draft. I'll edit it for you, but you don't have to consider it because its your work. And I'm not saying that the story is bad, I'm criticing it. I get my writing criticed too, so don't worry. It's something that ALL writers do if they want to continue to grow and get better in literature. Anyhoo, thanks for for the awesome update.

Just thought I'd write the diary of Miss Lilith Pleasant.
So here it is.
This is a diary right? I'm getting the feeling that its not a diary because of the dialog. Was the diary title just a title, or was it really a diary entry
Where is Lilith in this scene?I sighed. Angela was getting all the attention, again. As usual. Why do those perverted losers drool over her horrifically short, small, tight pink dress? I looked at the five boys in the cafe flirting with Angie. Dustin Broke, Dirk Dreamer, Cameron Smith, Samuel Rock and Joey Appleton. Complete idiots. Angela finally came back to me.
“Lilith,” she called. “These guys are complete cuties, wanna meet them?” I sipped my coffee. Is angela in this scene, or is this a flashback? “Nah,” I told her. “I prefer decent boys,” I made sure they heard that. They didn’t look unhappy with it, either. I turned on my laptop and checked my emails. I received something from Lucy.
If the reader doesn't play the sims, then they will have no idea who Lucy isHi Lilith

   It’s been a while since we spoke. Haven’t seen you round. Are you OK? I haven’t even seen you in school. You quit it or something?

-Lucy

I sighed. All my friends had that reaction to my sudden ‘disappearance’. I pressed ‘reply’ and wrote this:

Lucy,

   I haven’t quit school. That would be stupid. I’m not stupid. I’ve been moved up a class, because I’ve been working hard. And I’ve been hanging out with some people in my new class, too. I don’t know what would give you that notion, it’s untrue. Entirely.

-Lilith

I pressed ‘send’ and looked up Again, you didn't descibe the scene, so I can't imagine where she is looking up too. Sigh-worthy facepalm moment This sentence needs revision. Angela was flirting up Dustin, who's dustin, you need to describe him if you want people who don't play the sims to understand it and he as enjoying it. I had to leave. I got up, and walked away. I do not want to put up with that.


Good job on the first draft. I'm looking forward to updates!

[phoebe91]

Wow, that was neat. It gives a new perspective on Lilith

[ZePrincess]

Thanks all for the lovely comments! ^.^
Following Yoshman's advice, I redid the first chapter.
What do you think?

Tuesday, March 24th 09

Dear diary,

I guess I'll never understand Angela. She and I are just too different. Angela, however, is pretty much treated as the star child of the family. I wish everybody else would see what she is really like, instead of claiming that I bear an unnecessary grudge.

Take, for example, today. After school, Angela and I decided to take coffee at Starbucks (well, I had a smoothie, since the coffee there stinks). We sat at a booth, and I took out my iPod. I selected the 'Shuffle' option and sunk down, sipping my smoothie lightly.

After what seemed like an hour, I looked up and sighed. Angela was getting all the attention, again. As usual. Why do those perverted losers drool over her horrifically short, small, tight pink dress? I looked at the five boys in the cafe flirting with Angie. Dustin Broke, Dirk Dreamer, Cameron Smith, Samuel Rock and Joey Appleton. Complete idiots. Angela finally came back to me.
“Lilith,” she called. “These guys are complete cuties, wanna meet them?” I sipped my coffee.
“Nah,” I told her. “I prefer decent boys,” I made sure they heard that. They didn’t look unhappy with it, either. I turned on my laptop and checked my emails. I received something from Lucy.

Lucy is my only cousin, and she is quite a good friend of mine. She's a year younger than me, and is quite smart. The teachers in school, unfortunately, think I'm not very intelligent and had me in the same class as her. Well, not anymore. Now, I was working my butt off just to get to the standard of everybody else my age.

Lucy's e-mail read,

Hi Lilith

  It’s been a while since we spoke. Haven’t seen you round. Are you OK? I haven’t even seen you in school. You quit it or something?

-Lucy

Poor thing, she was believing the rumours that I'd quit school. Prompty, I replied with

Lucy,

  I haven’t quit school. That would be stupid. I’m not stupid. I’ve been moved up a class, because I’ve been working hard. And I’ve been hanging out with some people in my new class, too. I don’t know what would give you that notion, it’s untrue. Entirely.

-Lilith

I looked up from my screen and saw Angela, being flirted up by Dustin. Dustin Broke is the dictionary definition of 'chav', and he's proud of it. He presently ran is hand through his filthy blond hair and pressed his lips to Angela's. It was like a car wreck, you just can't take your eyes off it.

I snapped my laptop shut, slung my bag over my shoulder and stood up.
"Angela," I called. "I'm leaving,"

So after that, I'm certain that there's no hope that Angela and I will ever be on the same level. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

-Lilith

[Majick]

The first version was very good I believed to begin with, but with the extra few tweaks as advised, the revised version is even better :3

Way to go!

[-[gooey kablooey]-]

Yay! Update please!

[serp3821]

more please!!
dont stop lol {yes}