The Official Nonsense Thread

[Caspin]

And here comes more snow. Or is it sleet? Something in between, it looks like. Sneet? Snowt? Whatever it is, looks chilly out there!

[Minty]

How to commit suicide in one easy lesson.




Number of nuclear missiles:

USA = 806 missiles but with 1722 warheads (some are multiple delivery) and 3100 in storage.

North Korea = 10.

Sounds like a fair fight.

The North Koreans would have to major top the Japs' Pearl Harbor surprise attack gambit for their ten nukes to give them any chance of winning (at least this time they wouldn't have to worry about the US carriers being late home & missing the match). All this to get back at the butthurt they got over those North Korea at night pics in the press last year. North Korea, the trolls of world politics!

Elsewhere the Israelis appear to have jumped in on this Arab Spring a bit late in the day - either that or the biggest mass sting operation on the bookies ever. Polls show right wing nutters and fascistic Zionist loony parties to make huge gains at expense of everyone else. Polls close, ballot boxes open, leftie and liberal parties deemed lucky to save their deposits kick major butt and a secular party finishes second (!) as the locals retort that age old democratic slogan of an ignored electorate - "It's the economy, stupid!". Oy vey!

[Ollie]

Well I won't be starting a war with America anytime soon.

[Minty]

I will.

Hey USA, you may have zillions of nukes, guns & tanks, but I've just had a cheese and grape omelette with a touch of lemon juice, which is better than anything you have in your entire armed forces.
You have just been pwned!

[Caspin]

Grapes in an omelette? How intriguing. Cheese and grapes tend to be good friends so I guess they wouldn't mind being heated up in omeletteness together. I'll admit I'm curious.

I had spicy lentil soup and a sausage roll for my tea (dinner) which was totally Yum with a big old Y.

[Minty]

Michael Ngoo. Liverpool FC. Joins Hearts on loan on Friday coz we're not got anyone that can score goals & we're only allowed to sign under 21s just now.

Scores first goal with first kick of the ball on Saturday.

The difference in quality between an English Premier League youth squad's first team player vs our top league first team players is downright embarrassing. If Liverpool loaned up another ten like him we'd walk the League Cup and the league title!

[Caspin]

(27-01-2013 03:13 PM)Minty Wrote:  Michael Ngoo. Liverpool FC. Joins Hearts on loan on Friday coz we're not got anyone that can score goals & we're only allowed to sign under 21s just now.

You're very welcome.

Later ... oh dear. Can we have him back please, Minty, he might have come in handy at Oldham!

[Ollie]

I got back home yesterday afternoon. I'm kinda peeved that my sister still has my Late Night disk in her room and when I was looking for it eventually she said it was most likely in her room and she said she would get it out "in a couple of days" followed by the usual nagging me saying "Aren't you too old for The Sims?" (Seriously what a dumb question, she needs to look the sims up on the internet and I think she'll be surprised to see how many people of different ages and cultures or whatever play it) and "get off your games and get some friends" (For one I do have friends, but really you need to freaking understand that I am not a female and I don't have 5 billion friends who I am constantly meeting up with and partying with and getting bloody drunk with, sorry that I am not an exact copy of you). Wow I think I just lost it.

[Caspin]

Well seeing as I'm more than twice your age, Ollie, if you are too old for Sims, I must be totally over the hill!

If games are so dumb she can give you back you LN disc can't she. Otherwise her five million friends might find it in her room and she would suffer crippling social shame.

[Minty]

Allegedly, someone has leaked online the forthcoming new questions to be used in the UK Citizenship test (what you have to sit if you want to be allowed to stay in Britain and apply for UK citizenship).

1. Which famous manuscript crucial to Britain’s democracy and values was signed at Runnymede?

a. Magna Carta
b. Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone
c. “Hello” Magazine

2. Which ancient National Treasure is now kept under armed guard in the Tower of London, but can be gawped at by visitors paying a small fee?

a. The Crown Jewels
b. The Stone of Scone
c. Esther Rantzen

3. A “full English breakfast” consists what?

a. Egg, bacon, sausage and mushrooms, toast
b. Orange juice and muesli
c. A cup of tea and a fag

4. Which of the following are famously worn by Englishmen on their heads?

a. Bowler hats
b. Deely bobbers
c. Orange toupees

5. If a pregnant lady is standing on a bus or a train because of lack of room, it is customary to do what?

a. Give up your seat for her
b. Ignore her and play music loudly on your iphone, steadfastly not making eye contact
c. Open a can of Special Brew and leer at her as you say “I know what you’ve been doing, darlin’”

6. What is the famous “catch phrase” often associated with British policemen?

a. “’Ello ’ello ’ello! What’s going on here, then?”
b. “Book him, Danno!”
c. “Sorry, but that's not my job.”

7. Buckingham Palace is the official State Residence of whom?

a. The Queen
b. Big Brother
c. Posh and Becks

8. The Mersey Tunnel is what?

a. A major road which connects Liverpool to the Wirral Peninsular
b. A type of folk dance
c. A sexually avaricious blond in “Hollyoaks”

9. When swearing an oath at an important public ceremony it is customary to place one’s hand on what?

a. The Bible, Koran or other Holy Book
b. Your credit cards
c. “Fifty Shades of Gray”

10. Which of the following are now often sported by young girls as
popular fashion statement indicating their support for a popular cause?

a. Rubber wrist bands
b. Tattoos
c. Chlamydia

11. What are the two most popular British sports?

a. Football and cricket
b. X-Box
c. Binge drinking and signing on

12. What is the first line of the British National Anthem?

a. God save our gracious Queen
b. I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas plays
c. :پاک سرزمین شاد باد

13. Which famous person led the country as Prime Minister from 1997 to 2007 and is famous for referring to himself as “a pretty reasonable kind of guy”?

a. Tony Blair
b. Peter Mandelson
c. Kingsley Shacklebolt

14. In spring time what do villagers traditionally dance around at the local village green?

a. A “maypole”
b. James Delingpole
c. A Polish immigrant

15. The national dishes of the English are often considered to be what?

a. Roast beef and fish and chips
b. A kebab and a curry
c. A sausage roll and a packet of crisps from Greggs

16. What went down in 1912 with catastrophic and disastrous consequences for all concerned ?

a. The Titanic
b. The Hindenburg
c. Gillian Taylforth in a motorway lay-by

17. The “Battle of Britain” refers to what?

a. The RAF’s fight against the Luftwaffe in 1940
b. Any football match involving Glasgow Rangers in England
c. The last elimination in "Britain's Got Talent"

18. Who was Britain’s first woman Prime Minister, still very popular despite ageing and clearly suffering from outwards signs of dementia?

a. Margaret Thatcher
b. Anne Robinson
c. Lady Gaga

19. Who or what is commonly referred to as “Big Ben”?

a. A huge clock and bell in the Palace of Westminster
b. An X Factor contestant
c. An internet pawn star

20. When a young person reaches 21, it is traditional to present them with what:

a. A symbolic key to the door
b. A plasma screen TV and 24 cans of lager
c. A rent book

21. Who said “I may be a body of a week and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King!”

a. Queen Elizabeth I
b. Nigella Lawson
c. Justin Bieber

22. Who is traditionally regarded as the Patron Saint of England?

a. St George
b. St Michael
c. Jeremy Kyle

Results:

Mostly “As”: Sorry, no go. You plainly know nothing about Britain. Please re-apply after 10 years in exile.

Mostly “Bs”: Not bad. You are getting a feel for the UK, but more practice on the couch swilling lager is required.

Mostly “Cs”: You will be a model citizen!

Um, I think they shouldn't have given the contract to come up with the questions to The Sun newspaper!